Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Crazy Is as Crazy Does!!

So I met this chick that I've been talking to for about 2 weeks. Mostly Phone conversations and due to both our hectic schedules, we only were able to get together twice within those two weeks. Originally she seemed cool. Down to earth, not a stranger to hard work, and the owner of massive sex appeal. She’s a sweet girl, but if what I’m sensing as “signs of crazy” aren’t that, then I must be as 7:30 as they come.

The second date was on a Saturday. It went well. Nothing too mind blowing or too intimate. A meal, conversation, and the obligatory second date kiss. It wasn’t a late night, in fact I met with her early Saturday afternoon, which left me plenty of time to get together with my boys that night for drinks and trash talk. The following Sunday, like most Sundays for me, was filled with football, fantasy football, and Buffalo wings (definitely need to cut back on those). I’ll say it was about half way through the 4:00p.m. games, when my phone alerted me of a text message. I check my phone expecting it to be one of the members of my fantasy league talking trash about my being down in my weekly matchup. But to my surprise, a message was sent to me that was so long that it needed to be sent in 17 separate text messages. Alert, after alert, after alert, after alert. The contents of these texts I won’t share, but let’s just say it was some extremely personal shit that I didn’t feel comfortable knowing. The text began with, “There are some things I’d like to confess.” Now, I don’t want to be misunderstood here. I’m all for sharing personal things early that are “appropriately disclosed”, i.e. “I was married before,” “I’m dating other people also,” or “by the way, I’m religious so no sex before marriage.” But no, I had to read some of the most graphic, depressing, horrific moments of this particular woman’s life. I didn’t know how to respond and after reading all that sadness and misguided adventure, I almost felt obligated to offer to script her biopic. Uncomfortable is an understatement. Because I’m such a loving and caring soul (wink wink ladies) and quite honestly still wanted to smash, I didn’t allow that to be “the deal breaker.” I actually responded to the text with “thank you, I appreciate you sharing that information with me.” Noah couldn’t have handled the flood behind the “crazy gates” I just opened. Following that moment, it was “baby this” and “baby that”, “baby baby baby.” “Baby, I have another confession, I accidentally slipped and called you my boyfriend to my coworkers today and didn’t correct myself”… “Oh well baby, you basically are”… No the hell I’m not Chick!! At this point, I had to slow things down and control this Wild Stag before my near future was coming home to a boiling rabbit on my stove. I calmly explained to this nut bag that I thought she was moving too fast and felt like her expectations may have been a little unrealistic. Mind you, I explained this in a manner that would hopefully still allow me to get her in the sack (I know, I’m a dirt bag) soon, yet hopefully also coerce her to take a few steps backwards. This seemed to work. She wasn’t to upset with me and informed me that she was definitely going to slow down a bit. And this, my friends, is where it gets comedic! The Accidental Texting!!! Yes, she began sending me text messages that were “supposed” to be sent to other people (men). Throughout the day, I would be randomly alerted with text messages that said things like “Hey you, it’s been a long time. Want to get together tonight?” or “Hey, do you just want to f**k? What do you want?” After each of the messages like this, she quickly sent a following text message (and this time meant for me) saying “Wow, I’m sorry. That last text wasn't for you. Sorry” Ughhh... What have i gotten myself into?

Number Deleted!

Anticlimactic? Yes, but that’s just how it went. Update coming soon!!!



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