Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Misadventures of.....

I’d like to apologize to those who have been checking this blog to only have realized that I hadn’t posted anything new. I’m not one for excuses, I should have been blogging. Unfortunately, I let other (stupid) things, like work, moving, and limited time, get in the way. Though, I assure you that during my absence, getting back to writing was consistently on my mind. That thoroughly excites me. I’m witnessing my passion for "this writing thing" grow tremendously. Consistency is the goal.

My days of non-bloggingness weren’t completely consumed by work, my move, and just all around lack of time. I also treated myself to an evening (late night/morning) of, what in my opinion, is quite the therapeutic environment. The strip club! Where a brotha like me likes to go and Ball on a Budget. Or at least pretend to. Making it rain to me is watering my plants. At the strip club, I make it look like I’m going to make it rain. This is an effective method for getting some personal attention from the beautiful, and very talented, employees of the club. They’re such sweet girls. And it’s funny, they all seem to really like me *Forrest Gump Voice*… so I give them money. Go fig. All in all, it was a great time.

What really made this night special was what happen. The event that took place. For all that don’t know the strip club is magical place. I was told this in the past but brushed it off like it was nonsense. Well I’m here to vouch for that truth evidenced by my own revelation. I did what hundreds of time I was told not to do. I looked a stripper in the eyes. Directly. Direct eye contact!! This action was immediately followed by my being sucked into THE PORTAL OF ALL KNOWING. Yes folks, the portal of all knowing. For the first few seconds, i was placed onto an empty valley, where the grass was made of dollars and the trees were silver and shiny. While in this portal, I knew the answer to every question ever asked. So I contemplated the meaning of life… Why the word abbreviates is such a long word…. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle, and all sorts of life long questions needing answers. It was great. My skin appeared unblemished and I felt as though I took a shot of joy directly into my blood stream. Unfortunately this portion of the adventure didn’t last that long. Beyond the valley was the sadness of the stripper. The ever-so-slight looks of disgust in her eyes and thoughts of goals unaccomplished, undeodorized customers, and children waiting at home. It wasn’t a good place for me. I was then thrown out of the portal and awakened with a stripper on my lap and a tear in my eye. I wanted to take care of her forever. T-Pain is quite the Oracle! I indeed fell in love with a stripper…. So I gave her more money, she finished the lap dance and walked away. Go fig.

Women, Women, Women… How I love them so. 

I guess I’ll leave you with this. When asked for permission to set him up on a blind date, Hank Moody (David Duchovny's character in Californication) responded with the following quote:

“It’s my purgatory, really – dinner, drinks, whatever.  I’m never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. ‘Cause it’s true, all women are, in one way or another. You know, there’s always something about every damn one of you, it’s a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures, my life’s work. But then there’s the morning after, a hangover, and the realization that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she’s gone, and I’m haunted by yet another road not taken.” –Hank Moody

I love that quote. I haven’t related to a quote as much as I do that one in a long time. I wish I wrote it. 

Moral of the story: Fellas, Tip well… especially if you get a dance from MY WOMAN!!!

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